Being Stressed over Nothing

I have been successfully freelancing for 3 months, which I hadn't fully comprehended until I just wrote that sentence.

Maybe because the 3 months passed by in a blur or because I still don't feel "successful", I haven't taken the time to acknowledge what I've done so far.

Objectively, I have been successful because I'm able to support myself financially with the income I make from freelancing. I've even been able to build a reliable emergency fund for slower months.

But I don't feel successful. I'm still building my reputation and establishing working relationships with companies so there's a lot of uncertainty about the future. I'm terrified after each project that I secretly did a horrible job and that I'll never be booked again.

Being a freelancer requires a lot of trust in myself and the universe and placing any degree trust in the universe really wigs out my inner control freak. With each project, I build a little more trust in the career path I'm drawing because I have added context to refer to for future situations. For example, when I first landed in LA and contacted a producer who was key in my decision to move, I didn't hear back from her for a week. I felt like I was on the brink of death during that week of waiting. Then she got back to me, and everything was hunky-dory. That whole week of worry was completely unnecessary. And now that I have a few months of freelancing under my belt, if a producer doesn't get back to me, I don't panic as easily because from experience I know that they're usually just busy.

But I'm still building that confidence in this career, and it gets shaken pretty easily. Usually, I handle the uncertainty pretty well, but there's always just one day every two weeks or so where I feel absolutely despondent, dreaming up unpleasant futures where I have no prospects. Sounds ridiculous, but it feels so real when I'm in that mental zone.

I've lately really gotten into long distance running on Saturday mornings. This past weekend I went on a long run, hoping it would help ease the pressure of some of those despondent thoughts or distract me from them. I got distracted by some pretty houses and started daydreaming about a future where I'm financially secure enough to own such a nice place. Next thing I knew, I was sprawled across the sidewalk with bloody scratches streaking up my entire forearm because I had tripped on some uneven pavement.

Suddenly, all those worries about potential problems disappeared because I actually had a real problem that needed to be dealt with immediately - a bloody wound full of gravel. As I hobbled back to my apartment, it dawned on me that before this incident, my worst problem was the potential for problems. And if that was my worst problem, then life was actually pretty darn good.

I felt like life had clapped me on the cheeks, pulling me out of my brain fog. Life will throw you problems when it wants to, and you'll deal with them when it happens because that's just what you do. Why waste time worrying about stuff you're not even sure will happen?