Being More Than Your Art

I love art. Specifically visual art. I am obsessed with improving my art technique and breaking down different art styles to uncover the secrets behind my favorite pieces.

And I never get frustrated or angry with art. I just get frustrated with myself and my inadequacies. At my worst times, I feel unworthy of creating art because I don't have enough skill to do it justice on a canvas.

And when I feel so unworthy, a small drop of fear starts growing within me until I'm too afraid to bring Photoshop.

My worst art burnout happened in February 2021. I was doing some miniscule freelance commissions that didn't leave me feeling satisfied, and I was disdainful on my personal pieces which I just felt lacking no matter what I did. I started feeling so frustrated that I decided to take a break from art for a few days which then turned into a week which then extended to the end of the month.

And during that hiatus, my initial frustration was compounded by my shame of avoiding the canvas. I tried to reason with myself in every possible way that this fear was nothing more than a mirage than I could easily push through, but my muscles wouldn't budge. I just didn't want to risk another drawing session that could douse me in a wave a fresh frustration. I didn't want to face new pain.

One day toward the end of the month, I was cooking an omelette. Usually, I have a podcast or soundtrack in the background while I cook, but for some reason today I cooked in silence. I watched as the oil started to bubble, and the surface of the egg changed from liquid to solid. It was such a mundane occurrence and yet mesmerizing.

It was also the first time in a long time that I'd given complete attention to something that had nothing to do with me.

Since the start of the 2021, I was razor focused on trying to get a job, and thus razor focused on improving my skills in order to be good enough for one. All my spare moments were spent thinking about how I could be better, and when I wasn't thinking about art improving, I was thinking about improving my network, my health, my habits, etc. Even though the topics of thought were changing, at the root of it, I was basically spending ever second thinking about me.

And then I watched this egg cook which didn't involve me at all. And there was nothing about this egg that required me to think deeply so my thoughts slowed down, leaving me feeling much lighter and more relaxed.

I didn't need a break from art. I needed a break from me.

I started to make sure my days had sections of time for activities where I could let my brain much on things unrelated to me like interesting sciences videos or knitting or music. I also realized that I am so much more than my success. I'm a human girl and sometimes I need to slow down, and just appreciate me as I am regardless of what I'm trying to accomplish.

I haven't had as bad a burnout since, and while I have lingering fear toward the canvas, I can usually push past it. I make a lot of efforts to intentionally slow myself down during the week, and it feels unnatural to my manic thirst for productivity, but it is so necessary for me to institute that balance. I often do a weekly check in to remind myself of all the pillars in my life besides art, and I meditate before bed to slow my mind down like I did when I cooked that egg. Meditation has really helped alleviate the pressure of my expectations for myself, and it's just a couple minutes a day where I get to just feel like me as a I am - a human girl.